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Is there life after death? Does God exist? Must we unite with our dead relatives? Can I ask for a bigger penis in heaven? These are just some questions the humankind has been googling for centuries. Finally our answers are questioned, as we follow Boner the teenage grim reaper and Pucci the dopey St. Bernard adventure the afterlife just to make ends meet.
Admittedly, Stiffyvalley is not exactly the land of colorful sunsets and rainbows. Along with the mainland, it also includes two separate areas: Floating above in the clouds is The Cap’s Holy Boat, and in the south-east corner of the map is the hottest nightclub of the afterlife, Sexy Legged Devil’s Club Inferno.
There’s no place in the afterlife safer than Stiffyvalley. The thick walls and impenetrable iron gates protect you. The guards in the watchtowers make sure you get home safe before the curfew. The D.A.D troops patrol behind your windows so you can sleep peacefully. It’s horrible outside the walls, that’s why we keep you in.
Finding accomodation in Tomb Town can be a task, as new generations of increasingly bigger losers overcrowd Stiffyvalley. That’s why Boner's tomb is located in the bottom of Stiffyvalley’s landfill a.k.a The Hole. As the reek in the hole is so terrible, a mortal would immediately sneeze the soul right into his pants. Good thing you can’t smell a thing, right?
The perfect tomb for a newcomer, especially for a young grim reaper looking for affordable rent. The tomb is located in the bottom of the Hole, just a few hour walk from The Gremling. Modest haunting and random tomb raids by D.A.D troops may occur. Needless to say: absolutely no dogs allowed! If interested, contact Tom Turdy / [email protected].
Many Stiffies can’t handle the colorless existence of Stiffyvalley, so they turn to Angel Dust – an extremely hallucinogenic drug consumed with an inhaler. A breath of the spray makes you feel alive again, but when inserted into the rectum the user can see all the colors of the spectrum and experience strong flashbacks.
Spend your day relaxing at the pool drinking cocktails or playing golf on the sport deck, but keep your assault rifle handy. Holy Boat is the Cap’s all-inclusive luxury cruise ship always ready to switch into battle mode. Onboard exists a strict social hierarchy called The Cabin System controlled by the Cap himself. Welcome to cruise the never-ending ocean-skies.
The Holy Boat is a heavenly-sized ship, combining luxurious cruising with top-notch military technology. It’s constructed by No-AH, one of the Cap’s army's most infamous engineers. It has a built-in camouflage system which can transform the vessel into a giant cloud. The Holy Boat can reach the speed of 15 knots.
Ahoy rookie! Start climbing up the Cabin System from the Service Cabin deck, or as the crew playfully calls it The Gulag. These compact little cabins with 4 beds pack a crew of 12 people. Yet there’s never a shortage of space, since the crew is mostly working on exciting duties. So stop by for a quick nap and let the roaring engine above soothe you. This is where your adventure begins.
Since most souls never re-encounter their friends and family in the afterlife, the staff has taken the liberty to connect you with new company onboard. These middle class four person cabins are packed with three total strangers, so that life in the forever wouldn’t get boring. There’s also a minibar, and if you’re lucky, a small barred window.
The afterlife of a true nobleman couldn’t be spent anywhere more luxuriously than in the Eternity suites. There’s a direct line to the service cabins, for all your needs 24 hours a day. These cabins are reserved for the Cap’s top advisors, so again, enrolling to the D.A.D troops is pretty much a must.
Who doesn’t enjoy foam parties and neon straws? Holy Boats infamous nightclub, Club Paradiso, is guaranteed to be fully packed every night of the week. Participation is a must.
Do you think you can distinguish sea sickness from food poisoning? Feasting on enemy corpses is a sacred ritual among the D.A.D troops, but you can also choose the roasted seagull, or the traitor stew. Please don’t be afraid to complain, it really drives the catering staff to cultivate their culinary skills.
Since gambling is strictly forbidden down in Stiffyvalley, The Holy Boat is a gamblers mecca. You can bet small pieces of your soul at the slot machines, or go all in on the roulette tables. Every second year The Cap’s Casino's Annual Texas Hold ‘em tournament is held. You’re dead, what is there to loose? Sign up now.
Pussies ride sitting down! For some incomprehensible reason these troops are sometimes referred to as the Fuckboy Unit. But can anything be more rad than busting 360s and backflips, while blasting Nu Metal as you’re doing drug busts in Tomb Town?
Nothing spells emergency quite like these heavily armoured bad boys as they are ejaculated from the Holy Boat. Equipped with special cannons with Storm-Charging Technology® shoot lightning bolts which fry unsuspecting Stiffies into Soul Dust.
When you hear the balearic vibes descend from the heavens you know you’re in trouble. Even though these boats are packed with top drawer DJ sets, Piña Coladas and unpredictable parties, make no mistake. Once they land, it’s going to be absolute mayhem.
Sexy Devil’s Club Inferno is the hottest nightclub in the afterlife. Unfortunately everyone wants in, so you’ll be queing for a lifetime. But if you make it past the anal bouncer, it’s worth the wait. The club’s nine floors play different genres of music — everything from reggae to techno. When you need a break, enter the darkroom by flushing yourself down the toilet.
If being on all fours, gagged-up, with office supplies in your ass is your thing, just knock on the door. This 20ft ISO shipping container serves as the throne room for the night club queen herself. Powered by the sweat of her slaves, the office is equipped with a high-speed internet connection and an all-in-one fax machine with a printer.
If you’re a hardened criminal on a quest to find inner peace, you might consider signing up for Sexy Devils Sexy Yoga Club held on Monday afternoons. The magical Shoji doors located in the rear wall of Sexy Devil’s office open a view to the Secret Garden. Act fast! The course is popular and membership limited.
